the other day, i was in a bus goin home, listening to music, then thoughts started to wander... flipping back to the past. then i snickered (kau tau makne 'snickered' tak, dzaf? =P) thinking bout what u said made me laugh inside. you must be the 'stoopidest' guy in Spore, for what you said. nonono, i wont use the word 'dumbest' cos your explanation or so called 'defence' was WAY below 'dumbest'. hahaha, just thinking bout it now, makes me laugh... hahaha, you look smart, but you reallie are stoopid. i can't believe you'd suggest that, in your lame explanation. hahaha... oh well, some things just can't be helped. so so stoopid... wahahaha, im still laughing...
and just now... during friday prayers, my thoughts went wandering again... past, present but not future. riding the highs and digging the lows of the rollercoaster of my life. now i just have to step back and look at the whole ride, as a whole. taken from my past entry, this really stood out - 1/08/2005
" Why must i feel this way..? Why? Why? Its all your fault but i can't blame you cos its not you're fault. Tak faham?? Its ok.. Its what i feel inside of me. Its better for u not to understand. Damn!! Im reallie reallie lost inside. Angst, Happiness, confusion, depression, lost, lost, lost. Why must i feel this wae..? Wacky, crappy, funny, friendly exterior, but inside - A lost child in a shopping mall, ship lost at sea, face without a name, a bird that lost its wings, a door without a key. Why...? Why must i..? Somebody please guide me... I want it to stop but how? how?? Please make it go away... I beg of you. Why must it be me?? Why must it affect me?? Of all the people, why me?? Its all YOU..!! Im not angry at you, dont take it the wrong way. Its not your fault. You are what you are. Why must it be you?? Its lucky you cant read this.
Things happen, for the good and for the bad. Im angry with myself. This wounds they may not heal, confusing what is real and what is not. My walls are closing in. All mixed up. So insecure, so.... I cant even find the words to describe and its all because of U. F*#%..!!! I dont wanna feel this wae. Take me back to the way it was, please.. The truth is, i dunno what to do anymore.. Thats why i'm so f*$%-ed up.. Trying to find someone else to blame, but its me that i should blame Arrghh..!!! Please make it go away. When you see me, I wont even show it. Let it go.. should i?? but.... nvm. Theres so much i wanna say to u, so much i need you to know, but i know i just cant. Life sux!! The only thing to look forward to, and make me forget about you, are my friends. For that , i wanna say thank you, to each and evryone of you. You know who you are. No need to mention any names. Its you people, who are close to me and have made a difference in my life. Happy when i'm with you guys.. The people i laugh with, the people i converse with, the people i consoled to, the people i CRAP with. It is U who take me away from my problems. For that, i thank you.
People elsewhere are moaning the death of their family, and here i am, selfishly grumbling. What to do.. Sorry, but thats how i feel. Nobody can change that.. Sat gonna see the Floorball guys play soccer from 9 - 5. Riezal jadi keeper yang aku nak tengok, and lookin forward to sunday's training.. Cyaz i will overcome it, one way or another... that is my promise "
cant believe i wrote all that... (englisg aku power tak? haha... dzaf, anything kalau kau tak faham, can just check dictionary. kalau tak tahu pakai, can juz kol me. kwakwakwa...) whoa!! hahaha. hmm, looking back, am i proud of it? no, not all at least... do i regret it? no.
' Know what happened, has happened, and cannot happen any other way'. fuuyoh... im getting all 'zen' here. "Confucious says..." hahaha. another word of wisdom - ' its better to have tried and failed, rather than not trying at all and you're left wondering what would have been if you tried ' (aku pernah bilang ni kat kau kan, dzaf. ingat tak? tapi aku tahu kau faham ke tak ah... whahahaha!!!! kau hari ni betul-betul kene teruk dari aku ah!! WHAHAHAHA...)
kkays, this whole entry has been so indepth. hahaha, training tomorrow. woohoo!! haha..
so STOOPID!
Dzaf bingit.. hahaha
'it' says it all...
~adioz
its nice to know that you were there,
thanks for acting like you cared...
its nice to know we had it all,
thanks for watching as i fall...
Nothing to do at 3:29 PM by Awin